The Mirror's Truth
by OpheliacAngel
Summary: Celia's having a few midlife crises. One thing remains true throughout it all though: She loves Nancy and despite the Botwin's loathing for her she always will. These are a few of her reflections as she stares into the mirror at what she has become.
1. Lipstick Monster

**The Mirror's Truth**

**Celia's Reflections**

**Reflection 1: Lipstick Monster**

Ask the mirror. What does it truly see? Is it your beauty that strikes you or is it something else? Cause that night when you looked into the mirror you saw it. What it was you don't exactly know. But it was there. The monster you drew in lipstick is part of you. You've looked into the mirror thousands of times but you've never seen anything like that before. You've reached the moment of your life where you could say you're having a nervous breakdown. What you don't know is that you'll have several more coming up soon.

You know you don't love Dean, you never really have. But then again what does it mean to truly love a man? They want sex and you want sex and you tend to think of nothing else for those ten or more years. But then it eats away at you that you're missing something important. You deny it's love but it could very well be. Cause when you size men up you don't look for love, you look for the capacity to gain sexual pleasure. And is it so wrong to want this and only this? Maybe it is for Celia Hodes.

You really don't blame yourself for wanting a dick less love interest. Nancy. Don't even get started on the subject of Nancy Botwin. We'll be dedicating a full ten pages for that shortly. No. Stop avoiding it cause you know exactly what you feel when you think of her. Friend. Lover. Daydream. And what a good daydream it will always be.

You'll always have a place for her in your heart because this is Nancy we're talking about here. Nancy Nancy Nancy.

You're so engrossed in the monster you suddenly look like, suddenly are cause mirrors can't lie. They only hide the truth from you for half your life. Nancy is just at the edge of your thoughts cause she always is. So you are so engrossed that you cannot possibly hear the crash. The possibility of all those free sodas to drink for yourself, to soak up all the sugar and caffeine in the hope that you'll see what you're doing clearly in the future.

You don't know what's wrong with you but you drink your screwdrivers in the mornings hoping that you'll find out and you won't suffer for it. Cause you're Celia Hodes and men have called you one hell of a woman. And you think you still could be.

You pick up the fallen pieces of yourself and head to bed. And in the morning, you put the lipstick on your lips this time and face reality. Your reality. Leaving your reflection for a later date.

Cause mirrors can't lie. They only hide the truth from you for half your life. And when the time comes will you be able to swallow the bitter pill that you've become? Maybe. Maybe not. In the meantime, you're just a simple nothing pointless lipstick monster.

**To be continued…**


	2. Blonde Betrayal

**The Mirror's Truth**

**Celia's Reflections**

**Reflection 2: Blonde Betrayal**

Is this your punishment? It must be, for when you tell yourself what you did it sounds exactly like you. But you still can't believe that it was you. You left your husband to be with another man. And you're certainly not the first to have done it. So why does it feel so wrong? Why do you judge yourself now and not before? Because of her. Because Nancy Botwin of all the people out there in the world makes you feel guilty when she should be the one feeling guilty. Cause here she is right now fucking your new man and you can't bring yourself to do anything but just stand there and watch. You're a coward, an idiot. But you don't care. The only thing you can manage to think about surprises you in more than one way. You don't care that she's fucking _your _boyfriend. You care that _she's _fucking your boyfriend. Cause all this time you thought you wanted him, the blonde, exciting, handsome man. But what you really wanted was her. And you'd been denying her to yourself all along cause you knew it was never a possibility. So you sit there watching the two and you're shocked at it. But the bitter and fucked up truth is that what you're really shocked at is yourself.

Do you know what this means? It means you're having a midlife crisis. Yes, another one. If you think there's something wrong with you, you might be right, but then again it may be everyone else around you. You manage to push everyone away from you without a mere glance back at the destruction you've left in your wake. Cause you're a force of nature and you're a survivor. You'll survive it all. You don't care about the damage you do to others cause you won't be held back. Your motto is and always will be: It's my life, don't you forget.

Dean has hurt you before, and you didn't let that hold you back from getting some fun and revenge and some sexy black guy named Conrad. But it still hurts cause you're still human. You're still human underneath the bitchy, could care less, and don't fuck with me exterior. You thought you found another man to love you, and maybe he does love you. But not during this moment. Not at all during this moment. That blonde son of a bitch allows that flashing warning sign to finally pop up in your pretty little head. Maybe you're not into guys, maybe they're not into you. You gave your heart to this man and he gave his heart to you, but that didn't mean things were going to work out and you knew it. So you're giving him his heart back tomorrow. And with a bang.

Cause you're Celia Hodes. And when men fuck with you, you fuck with them. The blonde's betrayal won't hold you back, it'll only make you smarter. Stronger. You'll move on like you always do and find another man who you can overpower so easily it's not even funny. Cause you just love to win. And you'll always think of her. Nancy Nancy Nancy. The girl you really want but can never have. You strive towards impossibility, towards temptation. Nancy Botwin is your next mission. Your ambition. Your drug to get through your pathetic and worthless existence.

Nancy Nancy please hear me. I love you and I know somewhere deep down inside that gorgeous head you feel something for me too. So please stop fucking my boyfriend, cause I really want you right now. I really need you right now. God, you're so hot and it turns me on. Get away from that blonde betrayer and come to bed with me. Come home with me. Beautiful Botwin.

Later that night you'll look into your mirror and see yourself changed. And don't worry, cause it's a good change. You'll keep on going after her cause you're done with blonde hopes. You're onto Botwin wishes.

**To be continued…**


	3. Majestic Blues

**The Mirror's Truth**

**Celia's Reflections**

**Reflection 3: Majestic Blues**

You don't quite know how to say goodbye. It eats away at you and you try to swallow the bitter pill that is change. But you can't because you had a good life here, short as it was. You finally felt like you belonged somewhere, to a community, to a cause. Why did it have to leave so soon? Is it because of you?

So you choke. You push everything away that's even remotely close to you. You're frantic as you put your head in your hands and take a deep breath. It's time to move on, to a better place and a better life. You don't know where Nancy and her little family is going, almost don't want to know because then you'd chase after her like a maniac and wouldn't be able to stop yourself until she shot you down. That's just how you are. You're a go-getter and part of that personality trait involves Nancy. She's fucked up your life in so many ways and yet you don't care, cause you fucked up her pathetic little existence too.

You look back on the past, nearly choke on that too cause it's too painful to remember. Nancy had seemed so normal, so friendly, so last on the list to be a pot dealer. And you think that's why you reacted the way you did when you found out, cause it was so unlikely so, wait a minute am I really seeing this? Truth be told, Nancy hurt you by not letting you in. Yeah, you may not have taken the whole, hey Celia did you know I sell drugs, scene lightly. But Nancy's made so many mistakes for herself simply by not telling people things she should tell them, but not telling you things you should have known. And yeah, you were never involved in her life as much as you wanted to be, but you still considered yourself to be a friend back then. Still wish you could call yourself a friend to her today.

You avoid the mirror in the bathroom, and you avoid the calls that blonde headed freak leaves you. You take your head out of your hands and you put on the best poker face ever known to man, and woman. You leave that damn house that was never supposed to be yours in the first place, you leave it and get in your car and you truly have no idea where you are going. As long as you get somewhere. And you sit there for a second, key in the ignition, and wonder if you'll perhaps run into Nancy Botwin while on the road, in another state, in a few years or around there. You wonder primarily if you can predict where she will go, so you can show up there and be like, hey Nancy long time no see had no idea you were really here what a coincidence, not like Nancy would ever believe that whole statement. Cause Botwins can sniff out lies, the rumors are out there, and she would know in a mere heartbeat that Celia Hodes had followed her.

You sigh louder and take off down the driveway, laughing out loud when you have an idea where she might be. Looks like you're headed towards the shelter, where probably everyone is right now. Maybe you can tag along behind her or hide in the trunk when she finally leaves. Cause even if her house isn't burnt down by the end of the day you know she'll still leave, cause Nancy needs a new life nearly as much as you do. That right there gives you the ultimate satisfaction and the ultimate hope.

You shed your last tear for Majestic and wonder why you're aching so much for a junkyard town like this. Maybe because all your hopes and dreams were there, and now they've all turned to dust and ashes and currently lying in the ground, irreparable and irretrievable. You think about what it could mean if that was your last shot at being Nancy Botwin's friend. Was it really your last straw or can you man up enough, apologize, and get back on the right track with her?

Nope. You're doomed and you know it. The next time you see her she'll no doubt be stabbing you in the back again.

So much for Botwin wishes. So much for singing the Majestic blues and going on your merry way.

The past will come back to haunt you. Nancy will come back to kill you.

And you have no doubt that the next time you look into the mirror, the world will be yours for the taking.

Cause you're Celia Hodes and nothing will ever stand in your way. Not even Nancy Botwin.

**FIN**


End file.
